More will be posted in coming weeks about Bessie Howard's thrilling adventures, not only with travelling through time and space but also being chased by the mega-corporation bad guys trying to steal her amazing abilities. Meantime I'm back to showing you Check It Out humor columns and excerpts from our travel pieces. This particular column might also show up next week or the one after in our local Times-Reporter. Oh! And by the way, as with any of these pieces I write, not one word is made up. Enjoy.

Loving Our Feathered Friends

          Ever the bird lover, Ruthie watched the big pileated woodpecker going after the suet in our feeder out back. “Isn’t he gorgeous, dear?”

I muttered, “He’d look prettier, sweetie, if he’d stop wrecking that feeder.”

Attached to an oak, its wire-mesh cover keeps out squirrels and raccoons, and also stops her lovely pileated, who’s just as thieving, from stealing all the suet at once. Or used to, anyway

When we were out there later, Ruthie pulled off a piece of old wood. “Dear, this poor thing’s seen too many years. We need a new one.”

I groused, “Well, your precious pileated hasn’t helped it any!” Last month I nailed up a piece of tin to cover a big hole it made in back to get inside easier. This’ll stop it – I thought.

Proving me wrong, that greedy thing not only punched through the tin, but tore off more wood and loosened the nails holding the mesh. Next, just to spite me, that greedy rascal folded it back and again helped himself. Along with every squirrel and raccoon in the neighborhood.

Ruthie was actually admiring. “You have to admit, dear, that my pileated is not only pretty but very creative!” (She really said this).

Discouraged, I shrugged, “Then why bother with a new feeder?”

“Because, Gilbert (that instead of Dear means uh-oh, I’m in trouble), he’ll peck on it instead of our siding!”

She was right. Before the feeder went up, I patched siding pretty often whenever her lovely birdie got bored with tree trunks. And so, after tearing down our dilapidated feeder, I snatched up whatever scraps of treated 2X8’s and tin there was in our shop area and went hard at it.

Hearing all the sawing and banging around, Ruthie called down, “Good grief, dear, are you wrecking the place?!”

All done, I yelled back, “Sorry! Anyway, I built a new one and just finished covering it with tin!”

“This I’ve got to see! Be right down!”

She was. I held it up proudly. “Probably used a little too much tin but how’s she look?”

Stifling a laugh she patted my shoulder. “More like an armored car than a feeder, but that’s good right?”

“It has to be! Otherwise, your monster birdy will just peck it apart again!”

“Then let’s put it up! I’ll bring my camera!”

Minutes later Ruthie held my contraption against the oak while I used my battery-powered driver to screw it into the trunk. I grunted, “OK, wise guy, you’ll never figure this one out!”

Backed up to look at my handiwork, Ruthie motioned her camera, “Dear, stand next to it, OK? No, closer…that’s good! Now point at it with your electric drill…perfect! You ready?”

I growled, “I am. I just hope this feeder is. ‘Course, it should hold up to Godzilla with all the metal on it!”

“Dear, it has more than our car, so it will! Even against my powerhouse pileated! Smile!” Click-click!

Before long a smaller woodpecker was busily pecking up suet through the mesh. As we watched from inside, Ruthie was all smiles. “That little guy’s a ladder-back! See how happy you made him!?”

“Fine but when your huge pal shows up, I want it to learn whose boss here!”

She snickered, “Uh-huh, and if it doesn’t?”

I just threw up my hands and laughed. “I’ll give it my County Market card to go buy its own suet!”